Grieving & Healing w/ Love!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A Road No One Can Navigate
A Road No One Can Navigate ... by Dawn Saul
Grief is a journey in which one must travel alone. While loved ones and counselors can offer support, it is for each individual to find his own way. A road no one can navigate completely……surviving the shock and pain, coping with the loss, understanding the understandable, wrestling with lives transitions. searching for meaning and pursuit of inner peace.
When a loved one dies we are met with chaos, pain, disbelief and confusion. No two roads are the same… Each newly bereaved journeys along various stages... One must travel through the grief’; “Feel it to Heal it!”
A Letter from Heaven .....by Jimmy
A Letter from Heaven
(A letter from Heaven by my son Jimmy. Written about six months after he died.)
I honestly feel this letter was dictated to me by my son, James 'Jimmy' Patrick Saul about six months after he died. Yes, at the time I was debilitated with grief and I wanted a sign desperately from my son. However, it was my Grief Counselor who suggested I write to my child, which I began doing. This letter is his response. I also met many other bereaved parents from the Compassion Friends grief network who have shared similar interactions. Are these the writings of a broken heart? Or maybe, these are the words of a beloved son reaching out to comfort his grieving family!
(A letter from Heaven by my son Jimmy. Written about six months after he died.)
I honestly feel this letter was dictated to me by my son, James 'Jimmy' Patrick Saul about six months after he died. Yes, at the time I was debilitated with grief and I wanted a sign desperately from my son. However, it was my Grief Counselor who suggested I write to my child, which I began doing. This letter is his response. I also met many other bereaved parents from the Compassion Friends grief network who have shared similar interactions. Are these the writings of a broken heart? Or maybe, these are the words of a beloved son reaching out to comfort his grieving family!
Hey Mom,
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. But, please know I am soooo Happy! I hope it helps you to understand how truly beautiful it is here in heaven.
Mom, I'm with Dad. I can't describe how wonderful it is to be with him... He sends you his love and is telling me to tell you that there IS no reason to cry. Celebrate! For we will all be together someday! Sooner than you realize and then you'll know the remarkable joy I have now!
Give Katie a super duper HUG from her favorite big brother... Don't tell Mike or Chris I said that, we don't want them jealous. Tell them what great big brothers they are and how much I tried to be just like them. I know they are broken up about this Mom, but I am counting on you to help them. I love you all sooooo Very much!
I really am so incredibly happy and FREE... My soul began to soar after it was finally released! It's so spectacular MOM... Really it is. I will be there to help you in so many ways. Write your book MOM... I'll help! Tell Katie I am with her every day. She'll always be protected and guided by me! Mike is ripped up inside Mom... Tell him he can beat me at arm wrestling next time we're together! I'll let him win! LOL. Tell Chris and Jenn... I knew about the baby.... I am filled with joy and anticipation... Although I already know it will be a wonderful healthy baby! Tell Chris he's worrying too much!
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. But, please know I am soooo Happy! I hope it helps you to understand how truly beautiful it is here in heaven.
Mom, I'm with Dad. I can't describe how wonderful it is to be with him... He sends you his love and is telling me to tell you that there IS no reason to cry. Celebrate! For we will all be together someday! Sooner than you realize and then you'll know the remarkable joy I have now!
Give Katie a super duper HUG from her favorite big brother... Don't tell Mike or Chris I said that, we don't want them jealous. Tell them what great big brothers they are and how much I tried to be just like them. I know they are broken up about this Mom, but I am counting on you to help them. I love you all sooooo Very much!
I really am so incredibly happy and FREE... My soul began to soar after it was finally released! It's so spectacular MOM... Really it is. I will be there to help you in so many ways. Write your book MOM... I'll help! Tell Katie I am with her every day. She'll always be protected and guided by me! Mike is ripped up inside Mom... Tell him he can beat me at arm wrestling next time we're together! I'll let him win! LOL. Tell Chris and Jenn... I knew about the baby.... I am filled with joy and anticipation... Although I already know it will be a wonderful healthy baby! Tell Chris he's worrying too much!
Jingles and Tinker know when I am near. Watch them. I am trying to contact you in person but your energy is soooo stressed! We will talk more... Mom, there really is no difference between our worlds... The veil of deception is so thin, but you have to be calm and trust! We have much work to do together.
I just went ahead to get things started. Yes, Mom... It was my time to pass at 23. I am happy and I did succeed in this lifetime. Be happy for me! Honestly..... No more tears! OK? Well, OK a few more but, stop all the drama Mom.... It's not want I want!
Kiss Katie for me and tell the Boys I am cool! I love you all so much! Dad is laughing at me because he says I am babying you too much! He knows your strong and will be alright!
God Bless... "I Love You, Mommy!"
Jimmy
P.S. There is a GOD! LOL... As if YOU didn't already know it!?
I just went ahead to get things started. Yes, Mom... It was my time to pass at 23. I am happy and I did succeed in this lifetime. Be happy for me! Honestly..... No more tears! OK? Well, OK a few more but, stop all the drama Mom.... It's not want I want!
Kiss Katie for me and tell the Boys I am cool! I love you all so much! Dad is laughing at me because he says I am babying you too much! He knows your strong and will be alright!
God Bless... "I Love You, Mommy!"
Jimmy
P.S. There is a GOD! LOL... As if YOU didn't already know it!?
My Grief... My Own Way
My Grief... My Own Way ... by Dawn Saul
My son, Jimmy died two years ago. (July 28th is his 'ANGELversary'). As his Mother I miss him more deeply than words can ever express. As the dates for his birthday and his passing have approached... I find myself reliving moments of his life over and over again like a movie. I have been both physically and emotionally drained, yet I have also found a calmness. My faith in knowing my son, Jimmy is joyously blissful and that we shall meet again in heavens sky... This belief sustains me!
I grieve in my own way. I will not allow Jimmy's death to define me. I allow my heart and soul to lead the way and I EXPRESS my grief in any way that I see fit. I will no longer allow others to tell me what is an appropriate way or time to mourn. The process of mourning is part of my healing. Only I know what is best for me.
My son, Jimmy died two years ago. (July 28th is his 'ANGELversary'). As his Mother I miss him more deeply than words can ever express. As the dates for his birthday and his passing have approached... I find myself reliving moments of his life over and over again like a movie. I have been both physically and emotionally drained, yet I have also found a calmness. My faith in knowing my son, Jimmy is joyously blissful and that we shall meet again in heavens sky... This belief sustains me!
I grieve in my own way. I will not allow Jimmy's death to define me. I allow my heart and soul to lead the way and I EXPRESS my grief in any way that I see fit. I will no longer allow others to tell me what is an appropriate way or time to mourn. The process of mourning is part of my healing. Only I know what is best for me.
My Hearts Refuses to Believe
"MY HEART REFUSES TO BELIEVE" ...Dawn Saul
(March 2011)
(March 2011)
My child has died, yet a huge part of me refuses to believe it.....
It doesn't matter what the facts are or what my mind knows to be true... "My heart REFUSES to believe that my child is really gone!?"
My incredible son, Jimmy died over a year and a half ago (July 2009)... Some days, I shock myself!!! I catch myself talking about my son, Jimmy's life in the PAST tense or discussing almost calmly the details of his death. Almost matter~of~fact! Yet, then the next moment I start to choke-up and a tear will roll down my face. And, still others I completely lose it! It's too surreal! It CANNOT BE TRUE!!!!
Although, I can repeat the facts of his passing... Sometimes almost robotically... On some level, my heart (soul) will not concede to his passing. Jimmy died while away at college. (He suffered from a fatal Status Epilepticus Seizure according to the Medical Coroner!) One day he was alive and happily celebrating his 23rd birthday. He was in summer session in college just months away from his college graduation. Then, suddenly... He's gone!
When he first died, I'd play a bizarre game with myself and would pretend that he was "Just away at school!" I couldn't fully understand he was dead??? Unfortunately, memories flood into my conciousness and I'd get a brief reality check.... then the pain of rediscovering his death and those first initial moments would hit hard again flooding every cell with putrid anguish.
Usually in my dreams... I either dream that Jimmy is alive and well as if he never died OR the worse dreams are when he appears in my dreams and he has died but is trying to come back to me. He says, "Mom I'm not really dead... but you can't tell anyone else! OK?" Of course, I awake startled and saddened at reality.
As I write this I ponder my own sanity??? It sounds NUTS to me!
I end this with a solemn wish for every grieving parent.... My wish is that we all wake up from this F***ING nightmare and our precious children be returned to us whole, happy and healthy!!!!
A Light in a Sea of Darkness
A Light in a Sea of Darkness ...by Dawn Saul
I have known glimpses of great happiness. I have felt the sensations of exhilaration when I experience the thrill of joy. As the Mother of four beautiful children, I can attest to feeling truly blessed by the birth of each of my children. Although, I can speak of happiness, it is the sorrow of my sons’ passing which weighs most heavily on my heart. My blessed child, James Patrick Saul chose to leave this physical existence and transition into the next on July 25, 2009.
No, Jimmy did not take his own life, but the choice was still his. After 23 years on the planet, Jimmy’s soul simply decided that dealing with the painful issues surrounding his illness were too much. He struggled with Epilepsy for many years; his seizures became more and more uncontrollable. He tried various medications, each creating side effects and additional complications. Jimmy’s greatest issue was the embarrassment of, “Not being Normal” which severely affected his self esteem. He tried his best to hide his conditions, even from his closest friends. Sometimes over compensating for, what he thought was a weakness. Every time he’d experience a seizure, he’d make up an elaborate excuse why he was suffering from more bruises, scraps or a bitten tongue.
After the Medical Examiners investigation, I can only assume that after much celebration in honor of his 23rd birthday, alone in his dorm room he suffered a catastrophic ‘Status Epilepticus’ a convulsive (nonstop seizure) which contributes to an estimated 42,000 deaths and thousands more instances of brain damage per year. Faced with the ramifications of this event, his ‘free will’ chose to say goodbye to the struggles he knew in this lifetime.
I am his Mother; I know my tears are for myself, ‘for my pain and my loss’! My ‘Light in a Sea of Darkness,’ is my faith! On a spiritual level, I know my son still lives! Like love itself, the soul never dies!
My precious son lives on in spirit. I can feel his presence, guidance and love. Knowing that love never dies and my son’s soul is eternal is my light in the sea of darkness! I struggle between my spiritual self, who recognizes Jimmy is always with me and the maternal self who lost a child. My grief has been so overwhelming, almost paralyzing at times. As a Mother, I scream, “I want my baby back!” I tried to explain to my grief counselor that my anguish is physical as well as emotional. It almost feels as if my child was ripped from my womb, it feels empty! I feel a great void in my gut, for the child I lost. When he died, Jimmy was a young adult, about to graduate college, but I replay the memories of my son as a toddler running around to catch up to his big brothers with his shoes untied. I imagine his vivid green/blue eyes, his white blonde hair and button nose! “I miss my little boy,” although my faith reassures me he is not really gone.
I can feel him reaching out to me at times, offering me a blanket of comfort and serenity. Since his death, I have been given signs from beyond. I know his desire is to assist, comfort and love all those who miss him so dearly. I not only sense his presence, but smell and feel him near. For my youngest, Katelyn (14 years old) this also brings her hope, and brightens her days of darkness. When a loved one passes, it seems as if a part of you dies, too! As if, life will never be the same. I seem to judge time and events in relationship to my son’s death; B.J.D. and A.J.D. (before Jimmy’s death and after Jimmy’s death). We wrestle to identify a new normal and to redefine our family unit. It is not that we choose to forget or go on without Jimmy, it is more of an acceptance and an understanding that it is now Jimmy’s time to soar, to discover a place of joy and spiritually progress.
What consoles me is the sense of oneness with Jimmy and all that is. My belief that God created the universe and that we will meet again in heaven’s sky. These beliefs allow me to release some of the gripping pain. It has been eight months and I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. What ultimately brings me through to the other side of grief, is my desire to heal. Along with the spiritual understandings of life after death, knowing my sons love for me and having felt his presence; are all beacons that shine through the darkest of times!
No, Jimmy did not take his own life, but the choice was still his. After 23 years on the planet, Jimmy’s soul simply decided that dealing with the painful issues surrounding his illness were too much. He struggled with Epilepsy for many years; his seizures became more and more uncontrollable. He tried various medications, each creating side effects and additional complications. Jimmy’s greatest issue was the embarrassment of, “Not being Normal” which severely affected his self esteem. He tried his best to hide his conditions, even from his closest friends. Sometimes over compensating for, what he thought was a weakness. Every time he’d experience a seizure, he’d make up an elaborate excuse why he was suffering from more bruises, scraps or a bitten tongue.
After the Medical Examiners investigation, I can only assume that after much celebration in honor of his 23rd birthday, alone in his dorm room he suffered a catastrophic ‘Status Epilepticus’ a convulsive (nonstop seizure) which contributes to an estimated 42,000 deaths and thousands more instances of brain damage per year. Faced with the ramifications of this event, his ‘free will’ chose to say goodbye to the struggles he knew in this lifetime.
I am his Mother; I know my tears are for myself, ‘for my pain and my loss’! My ‘Light in a Sea of Darkness,’ is my faith! On a spiritual level, I know my son still lives! Like love itself, the soul never dies!
My precious son lives on in spirit. I can feel his presence, guidance and love. Knowing that love never dies and my son’s soul is eternal is my light in the sea of darkness! I struggle between my spiritual self, who recognizes Jimmy is always with me and the maternal self who lost a child. My grief has been so overwhelming, almost paralyzing at times. As a Mother, I scream, “I want my baby back!” I tried to explain to my grief counselor that my anguish is physical as well as emotional. It almost feels as if my child was ripped from my womb, it feels empty! I feel a great void in my gut, for the child I lost. When he died, Jimmy was a young adult, about to graduate college, but I replay the memories of my son as a toddler running around to catch up to his big brothers with his shoes untied. I imagine his vivid green/blue eyes, his white blonde hair and button nose! “I miss my little boy,” although my faith reassures me he is not really gone.
I can feel him reaching out to me at times, offering me a blanket of comfort and serenity. Since his death, I have been given signs from beyond. I know his desire is to assist, comfort and love all those who miss him so dearly. I not only sense his presence, but smell and feel him near. For my youngest, Katelyn (14 years old) this also brings her hope, and brightens her days of darkness. When a loved one passes, it seems as if a part of you dies, too! As if, life will never be the same. I seem to judge time and events in relationship to my son’s death; B.J.D. and A.J.D. (before Jimmy’s death and after Jimmy’s death). We wrestle to identify a new normal and to redefine our family unit. It is not that we choose to forget or go on without Jimmy, it is more of an acceptance and an understanding that it is now Jimmy’s time to soar, to discover a place of joy and spiritually progress.
What consoles me is the sense of oneness with Jimmy and all that is. My belief that God created the universe and that we will meet again in heaven’s sky. These beliefs allow me to release some of the gripping pain. It has been eight months and I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. What ultimately brings me through to the other side of grief, is my desire to heal. Along with the spiritual understandings of life after death, knowing my sons love for me and having felt his presence; are all beacons that shine through the darkest of times!
This is all I Ask...
This Is All I Ask… by Dawn Saul
For he's my son Lord, my precious son. This child I bore, whom I adore!
...THIS CANNOT BE
...OH HEAR MY PLEA
...ON BENDED KNEE
...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE
Memories frozen in time, without reason or rhyme. I can't let go, I just don't know?
...THIS CANNOT BE
...OH HEAR MY PLEA
...ON BENDED KNEE
...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE...
This can't be real, can we make a deal? Just give him back, this is all I ask!
...THIS CANNOT BE
...OH HEAR MY PLEA
...ON BENDED KNEE
...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE
I love him so, with heart and soul. Another day to share, this is my prayer!
...THIS CANNOT BE
...OH HEAR MY PLEA
...ON BENDED KNEE
...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE
Tears fill my eyes, as I realize... I'll hold him tight, no more this night.
...THIS CANNOT BE
...OH HEAR MY PLEA
...ON BENDED KNEE
...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE
Please, hear me Lord... I beg of thee...Please, end my tears this very night! ...This very night!
A Poem for my son, Jimmy ~ 'Forever in My Heart'
BY Dawn Saul
We could not have ever known…
Gods timing to bring you home.
Angel’s wings to hold you near…
up to Heaven’s sky my dear.
Only Heaven Knows… How much I miss your strong embrace.
… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.
Our souls hold eternal love…
blessing from Heaven above.
My heart beats with faith and hope …
healing Angels help me cope.
Only Heaven Knows… How much I miss your strong embrace.
… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.
Trust in God’s promise but though…
His holy plan is not to know.
Someday we will understand…
joined in Heaven… Hand in hand!
Only Heaven Knows… How much I miss your strong embrace.
… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.
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