(March 2011)
My child has died, yet a huge part of me refuses to believe it.....
It doesn't matter what the facts are or what my mind knows to be true... "My heart REFUSES to believe that my child is really gone!?"
My incredible son, Jimmy died over a year and a half ago (July 2009)... Some days, I shock myself!!! I catch myself talking about my son, Jimmy's life in the PAST tense or discussing almost calmly the details of his death. Almost matter~of~fact! Yet, then the next moment I start to choke-up and a tear will roll down my face. And, still others I completely lose it! It's too surreal! It CANNOT BE TRUE!!!!
Although, I can repeat the facts of his passing... Sometimes almost robotically... On some level, my heart (soul) will not concede to his passing. Jimmy died while away at college. (He suffered from a fatal Status Epilepticus Seizure according to the Medical Coroner!) One day he was alive and happily celebrating his 23rd birthday. He was in summer session in college just months away from his college graduation. Then, suddenly... He's gone!
When he first died, I'd play a bizarre game with myself and would pretend that he was "Just away at school!" I couldn't fully understand he was dead??? Unfortunately, memories flood into my conciousness and I'd get a brief reality check.... then the pain of rediscovering his death and those first initial moments would hit hard again flooding every cell with putrid anguish.
Usually in my dreams... I either dream that Jimmy is alive and well as if he never died OR the worse dreams are when he appears in my dreams and he has died but is trying to come back to me. He says, "Mom I'm not really dead... but you can't tell anyone else! OK?" Of course, I awake startled and saddened at reality.
As I write this I ponder my own sanity??? It sounds NUTS to me!
I end this with a solemn wish for every grieving parent.... My wish is that we all wake up from this F***ING nightmare and our precious children be returned to us whole, happy and healthy!!!!
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