Memories LOVE Made

My babies (1999) Jimmy, Mike, Chris & Goofy Katie
"I Love them all soooo very much!"  ~ Dawn Saul

                        

                 "Years pass by but cannot FADE...
                   All the memories LOVE has made!"

Your Love is a BEACON of Light...

"Your Love is a BEACON of Light...

...Not even the darkest of times

can extinguish the light

you've shined into

           my life!"  ~Dawn Saul

Please, Don't Ask... I Don't Know How to Answer

Jimmy, Chris, Katie & Mike... "My FOUR Children!"

                   Please, Don't Ask...                  

      I Don't Know How to Answer

                                                                                               ~ Dawn Saul 


"How many children do you have?" Oh, how I HATE that question! I am so confused...having to explain that I am the Mother of four (4) wonderful children and their ages. I sometimes say I have FOUR children, but one is in Heaven! However, then I get 'The Look'... the shocked pathetic look and awkward silence that comes with my response. People don't know how to react. Some will fumble with their words or suddenly change the subject. Even worse... others will want to know every minuscule detail of my child's death.


Whenever I am asked that question I wrestle with my thoughts and words never knowing what I am going to say from one situation to another. Yet, If I were to exclude my son in heaven and simply reply three children... that feels awful. I need to honor my child and my relationship to him. I will forever have four children. Isn't it just a matter of location? One is in heaven. Would I exclude a child of mine if he was in another country on the other side of the world? So confused?  So painful!   Although, there are moments when I simply do not have the strength to dive into the swirling anxiety of emotions that are churned up by that question.


People are naturally curious. When discussing my children it now becomes an awkward dance of how much information to share. I sometimes have to 'back peddle'... Because of the next question.


"How old are they?"

So I question...?

Jimmy was 23 years old when he died (July 2009) do I say what his age would be now or then?


But, why does that matter so much to me?


It is so confusing, because obviously my other three children are aging as time passes. If I do NOT mention that Jimmy died then his age is frozen in time and then at some point the age difference between the children are completely jumbled... AS IS MY BRAIN!!! Does this make any sense? What should I DO? Why is this such a painful issue to me????

To analyze my thoughts it seems to me that I am going insane. On the surface I seem calm and together. I have some days that I can talk about him with love and pride and not fall apart. Sometimes, I'll speak to a new acquaintance about my children and also discuss Jimmy with love and pride without revealing his death. I'll go on and on about his accomplishments and college life like any proud Mother. Yet, later I berate myself for not "Being HONEST" about the facts. Sane one minute and a complete mess the next. There are other times when I hardly know someone, a complete stranger whom I am just small talking with when I suddenly fall into a downpour of tears rattling on and on about every detail of losing my precious Jimmy!


There is no rhyme or reason behind my behavior. Am I certifiable or simply bereaved? If your answer is that my reactions are a normal part of  grieving then why I am continuously told, "Get over it." Honestly, ever since the '3 MONTH' mark people began expecting me to be OK. I get insensitive comments like, "We don't like the to see you so depressed, we want old you back!" or "Why don't you try harder instead of dwelling on your loss!"


I think that is insane!