A Light in a Sea of Darkness ...by Dawn Saul
I have known glimpses of great happiness. I have felt the sensations of exhilaration when I experience the thrill of joy. As the Mother of four beautiful children, I can attest to feeling truly blessed by the birth of each of my children. Although, I can speak of happiness, it is the sorrow of my sons’ passing which weighs most heavily on my heart. My blessed child, James Patrick Saul chose to leave this physical existence and transition into the next on July 25, 2009.
No, Jimmy did not take his own life, but the choice was still his. After 23 years on the planet, Jimmy’s soul simply decided that dealing with the painful issues surrounding his illness were too much. He struggled with Epilepsy for many years; his seizures became more and more uncontrollable. He tried various medications, each creating side effects and additional complications. Jimmy’s greatest issue was the embarrassment of, “Not being Normal” which severely affected his self esteem. He tried his best to hide his conditions, even from his closest friends. Sometimes over compensating for, what he thought was a weakness. Every time he’d experience a seizure, he’d make up an elaborate excuse why he was suffering from more bruises, scraps or a bitten tongue.
After the Medical Examiners investigation, I can only assume that after much celebration in honor of his 23rd birthday, alone in his dorm room he suffered a catastrophic ‘Status Epilepticus’ a convulsive (nonstop seizure) which contributes to an estimated 42,000 deaths and thousands more instances of brain damage per year. Faced with the ramifications of this event, his ‘free will’ chose to say goodbye to the struggles he knew in this lifetime.
I am his Mother; I know my tears are for myself, ‘for my pain and my loss’! My ‘Light in a Sea of Darkness,’ is my faith! On a spiritual level, I know my son still lives! Like love itself, the soul never dies!
My precious son lives on in spirit. I can feel his presence, guidance and love. Knowing that love never dies and my son’s soul is eternal is my light in the sea of darkness! I struggle between my spiritual self, who recognizes Jimmy is always with me and the maternal self who lost a child. My grief has been so overwhelming, almost paralyzing at times. As a Mother, I scream, “I want my baby back!” I tried to explain to my grief counselor that my anguish is physical as well as emotional. It almost feels as if my child was ripped from my womb, it feels empty! I feel a great void in my gut, for the child I lost. When he died, Jimmy was a young adult, about to graduate college, but I replay the memories of my son as a toddler running around to catch up to his big brothers with his shoes untied. I imagine his vivid green/blue eyes, his white blonde hair and button nose! “I miss my little boy,” although my faith reassures me he is not really gone.
I can feel him reaching out to me at times, offering me a blanket of comfort and serenity. Since his death, I have been given signs from beyond. I know his desire is to assist, comfort and love all those who miss him so dearly. I not only sense his presence, but smell and feel him near. For my youngest, Katelyn (14 years old) this also brings her hope, and brightens her days of darkness. When a loved one passes, it seems as if a part of you dies, too! As if, life will never be the same. I seem to judge time and events in relationship to my son’s death; B.J.D. and A.J.D. (before Jimmy’s death and after Jimmy’s death). We wrestle to identify a new normal and to redefine our family unit. It is not that we choose to forget or go on without Jimmy, it is more of an acceptance and an understanding that it is now Jimmy’s time to soar, to discover a place of joy and spiritually progress.
What consoles me is the sense of oneness with Jimmy and all that is. My belief that God created the universe and that we will meet again in heaven’s sky. These beliefs allow me to release some of the gripping pain. It has been eight months and I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. What ultimately brings me through to the other side of grief, is my desire to heal. Along with the spiritual understandings of life after death, knowing my sons love for me and having felt his presence; are all beacons that shine through the darkest of times!
