My Soul Song... A Mother's Grief

(Written about six months after Jimmy died... The initial shock was wearing off and the PAIN was setting in.)

My Soul Song ~ A Mother’s Grief

     I don’t want to be here! No, NOT here as in this room, I mean… here on the planet! As I stand here before of you, you see a woman who seems whole, pleasant… at ease. Do you see my soul? Can you sense it? Do you know my anguish? Life has been a huge disappointment, full of tragedy and pain. Too much to endure! I appear calm, almost timid, yet my expressions conceal my inner screams of agony and fury! The mask I wear is a poised nervous smile. Yet, in silence I cry out, “Time to go, Time to go!” I find myself bargaining with God. Pleading, “HELP ME! Please, no more. No more pain… I can’t take anymore!” I wonder why GOD chose to create me? Why I am here? Why do I suffer so? What is my soul’s purpose?

     I imagine a door. Any door. A glass door, a wood door, a weathered antique door. It really doesn’t matter. Just a point of entry or exit! Ahhh! YES, EXIT…that’s it! A means of escape; a way out!   *Suicide?*   Hell, No!!! Too many years of parochial schools to DAMN my soul to an eternal bonfire! It’s not that I believe in Hell necessarily… more just the residue of fundamentalist brain washing! Spiritually, I believe in God; a creative power. It is actually my faith that has brought me this far! I am still standing here, still breathing in and out! But, I don’t want to. I yearn to run away. Each day I dream of a way out. I fantasize about a mystical doorway for which to walk through, to end this life. To end my suffering! I beg… “Please, God!   I won’t… I can’t take my own life, but if you lead me to the exit, I’ll walk through the door!”

     Look at me! Seriously, please look at me. They say, ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul.’ Can you see the anguish in my eyes? I stand here broken, shattered and alone. I feel heartache deeper than words could bring into understanding. I search for a name or description to label myself. When my husband died… they called me a Widow. What a sad horrible name for which I am forever branded.    I sense the muffled whispers, “she’s a Widow?  What? I secretly screamed… “No, we’re too young!!! We’re supposed to share a lifetime!”

     Now what? A parent’s worst nightmare, MY SON HAS DIED! I am confused… What is my title now?  The whispers begin again. Everyone is shocked and crying together, but NOT with me!? They all think… if they don’t talk about him to me; they’re buffering me from the pain!? I am more isolated now, than ever. Even lifelong friends recoil from me now. No one calls. No one… knows what to say to a bereaved parent!? My grief counselor assures me it is not me; people don’t know how to deal with others grief. I am told for those with children this may be too close to home for some; they fear it could happen to them! Others still, act as if ‘death’ is contagious! Many people fear death!” 

     So many salty tears have dried upon these cheeks as I have wept. I know my tears are for myself, for my broken heart! My child has died and I am grieving. What is the definition of grief? According to Webster’s: Grief is a reaction to a major loss, often an unhappy and painful emotion. That is an understatement! Grief is a torment that penetrates every aspect of your being: mind, body and soul! Unless one has personally experienced grief than one cannot fully comprehend how deeply the pain cuts. Yes, it is emotionally distressing, it shakes ones faith, but surprisingly it is also a physical pain. So gripping and paralyzing that I can feel every nerve ending penetrating through my skin with raw electric energy. My breathing becomes SLOW, so slow that I gasp to catch my breath as if I simply forget to breath. My chest hurts. I ache, everywhere. I am tired and exhausted beyond description. I cry out to God, “How can I hurt so deeply and still be alive!?”  

                 According to the experts they say one grieves in stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These same experts say the acute phase usually lasts for two months or so. Really, two months? Why would anyone be so insensitive to tell a grieving parent that they should ‘GET OVER’ the loss of a child within two months? Two years? Everyone grieves within their own time frame. There is no right or wrong way for one to grieve! Yet, that has been my experience. However well intentioned I have been told, “You’re taking this too hard!” or “I don’t like to see you this way!” When a child dies, it is a life experience so profound that no one is EVER the same again!

     What is my soul song??? To sing in praise because the sun has crest through the clouds and has created a vibrant rainbow after the storm. Mercifully, I have been given the grace to understand it is my responsibility to heal! Thus, begins my journey in faith. Instead of begging for an exit… I now believe I must step through the door to a New Beginning!

     “The sun is beginning to shine and there is an ‘Angel’ standing next to me!”

My Promise to Myself

                          My Promise to Myself ... by Dawn Saul

My beloved son is always in my thoughts and prayers. I enjoy great comfort knowing he is forever blissful in Heaven's sky! This gift calms and consoles this Mother’s weary heart. Even though I still experience bouts of depression, anger and dismay; I embrace the good days! Happily, I can report  in the two years since his passing there are less tears and more joy. I find little things to smile about. Sometimes, I find myself sharing memories of my son and laughing about one of his ridiculous escapades!

I  believe what is most difficult for bereaved parents  is the feeling of being disconnected from their children. It is a cavernous void as a parents scattered heart longs to be reunited with their child. I was in such shock and anguish when Jimmy died that I couldn't feel his presence.  Now, I know when he is near. I  had to relax, trust and allow the process of healing. It helps to remember... ‘Like  Love itself, the Soul NEVER dies.’  Understanding this is my saving grace! The most direct route between despair and hope is faith.  My promise to myself is that I have chosen heal instead of suffer! 

My Hearts Refuses to Believe

"MY HEART REFUSES TO BELIEVE"  ...Dawn Saul 

(March 2011)

My child has died, yet a huge part of me refuses to believe it.....

It doesn't matter what the facts are or what my mind knows to be true... "My heart REFUSES to believe that my child is really gone!?"

My incredible son, Jimmy died over a year and a half ago (July 2009)... Some days, I shock myself!!! I catch myself talking about my son, Jimmy's life in the PAST tense or discussing almost calmly the details of his death. Almost matter~of~fact! Yet, then the next moment I start to choke-up and a tear will roll down my face. And, still others I completely lose it! It's too surreal! It CANNOT BE TRUE!!!!

Although, I can repeat the facts of his passing... Sometimes almost robotically... On some level, my heart (soul) will not concede to his passing. Jimmy died while away at college. (He suffered from a fatal Status Epilepticus Seizure according to the Medical Coroner!) One day he was alive and happily celebrating his 23rd birthday. He was in summer session in college just months away from his college graduation. Then, suddenly... He's gone!

When he first died, I'd play a bizarre game with myself and would pretend that he was "Just away at school!" I couldn't fully understand he was dead??? Unfortunately, memories flood into my conciousness and I'd get a brief reality check.... then the pain of rediscovering his death and those first initial moments would hit hard again flooding every cell with putrid anguish.

Usually in my dreams... I either dream that Jimmy is alive and well as if he never died OR the worse dreams are when he appears in my dreams and he has died but is trying to come back to me. He says, "Mom I'm not really dead... but you can't tell anyone else! OK?" Of course, I awake startled and saddened at reality.

As I write this I ponder my own sanity??? It sounds NUTS to me!

I end this with a solemn wish for every grieving parent.... My wish is that we all wake up from this F***ING nightmare and our precious children be returned to us whole, happy and healthy!!!!