Please, Don't Ask... I Don't Know How to Answer

Jimmy, Chris, Katie & Mike... "My FOUR Children!"

                   Please, Don't Ask...                  

      I Don't Know How to Answer

                                                                                               ~ Dawn Saul 


"How many children do you have?" Oh, how I HATE that question! I am so confused...having to explain that I am the Mother of four (4) wonderful children and their ages. I sometimes say I have FOUR children, but one is in Heaven! However, then I get 'The Look'... the shocked pathetic look and awkward silence that comes with my response. People don't know how to react. Some will fumble with their words or suddenly change the subject. Even worse... others will want to know every minuscule detail of my child's death.


Whenever I am asked that question I wrestle with my thoughts and words never knowing what I am going to say from one situation to another. Yet, If I were to exclude my son in heaven and simply reply three children... that feels awful. I need to honor my child and my relationship to him. I will forever have four children. Isn't it just a matter of location? One is in heaven. Would I exclude a child of mine if he was in another country on the other side of the world? So confused?  So painful!   Although, there are moments when I simply do not have the strength to dive into the swirling anxiety of emotions that are churned up by that question.


People are naturally curious. When discussing my children it now becomes an awkward dance of how much information to share. I sometimes have to 'back peddle'... Because of the next question.


"How old are they?"

So I question...?

Jimmy was 23 years old when he died (July 2009) do I say what his age would be now or then?


But, why does that matter so much to me?


It is so confusing, because obviously my other three children are aging as time passes. If I do NOT mention that Jimmy died then his age is frozen in time and then at some point the age difference between the children are completely jumbled... AS IS MY BRAIN!!! Does this make any sense? What should I DO? Why is this such a painful issue to me????

To analyze my thoughts it seems to me that I am going insane. On the surface I seem calm and together. I have some days that I can talk about him with love and pride and not fall apart. Sometimes, I'll speak to a new acquaintance about my children and also discuss Jimmy with love and pride without revealing his death. I'll go on and on about his accomplishments and college life like any proud Mother. Yet, later I berate myself for not "Being HONEST" about the facts. Sane one minute and a complete mess the next. There are other times when I hardly know someone, a complete stranger whom I am just small talking with when I suddenly fall into a downpour of tears rattling on and on about every detail of losing my precious Jimmy!


There is no rhyme or reason behind my behavior. Am I certifiable or simply bereaved? If your answer is that my reactions are a normal part of  grieving then why I am continuously told, "Get over it." Honestly, ever since the '3 MONTH' mark people began expecting me to be OK. I get insensitive comments like, "We don't like the to see you so depressed, we want old you back!" or "Why don't you try harder instead of dwelling on your loss!"


I think that is insane!

A Letter from Heaven .....by Jimmy

                                         A Letter from Heaven

(A letter from Heaven by my son Jimmy. Written about six months after he died.)


I honestly feel this letter was dictated to me by my son, James 'Jimmy' Patrick Saul about six months after he died. Yes, at the time I was debilitated with grief and I wanted a sign desperately from my son. However, it was my Grief Counselor who suggested I write to my child, which I began doing. This letter is his response. I also met many other bereaved parents from the Compassion Friends grief network who have shared similar interactions. Are these the writings of a broken heart? Or maybe, these are the words of a beloved son reaching out to comfort his grieving family!

Hey Mom,

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. But, please know I am soooo Happy! I hope it helps you to understand how truly beautiful it is here in heaven.
Mom, I'm with Dad. I can't describe how wonderful it is to be with him... He sends you his love and is telling me to tell you that there IS no reason to cry. Celebrate! For we will all be together someday! Sooner than you realize and then you'll know the remarkable joy I have now!


Give Katie a super duper HUG from her favorite big brother... Don't tell Mike or Chris I said that, we don't want them jealous. Tell them what great big brothers they are and how much I tried to be just like them. I know they are broken up about this Mom, but I am counting on you to help them. I love you all sooooo Very much!


I really am so incredibly happy and FREE... My soul began to soar after it was finally released! It's so spectacular MOM... Really it is. I will be there to help you in so many ways. Write your book MOM... I'll help! Tell Katie I am with her every day. She'll always be protected and guided by me! Mike is ripped up inside Mom... Tell him he can beat me at arm wrestling next time we're together! I'll let him win! LOL. Tell Chris and Jenn... I knew about the baby.... I am filled with joy and anticipation... Although I already know it will be a wonderful healthy baby! Tell Chris he's worrying too much!
 

Jingles and Tinker know when I am near. Watch them. I am trying to contact you in person but your energy is soooo stressed! We will talk more... Mom, there really is no difference between our worlds... The veil of deception is so thin, but you have to be calm and trust! We have much work to do together.


I just went ahead to get things started. Yes, Mom... It was my time to pass at 23. I am happy and I did succeed in this lifetime. Be happy for me! Honestly..... No more tears! OK? Well, OK a few more but, stop all the drama Mom.... It's not want I want!


Kiss Katie for me and tell the Boys I am cool! I love you all so much! Dad is laughing at me because he says I am babying you too much! He knows your strong and will be alright!


God Bless... "I Love You, Mommy!"
Jimmy
P.S. There is a GOD! LOL... As if YOU didn't already know it!?

A Light in a Sea of Darkness

A Light in a Sea of Darkness  ...by Dawn Saul 

     I have known glimpses of great happiness. I have felt the sensations of exhilaration when I experience the thrill of joy. As the Mother of four beautiful children, I can attest to feeling truly blessed by the birth of each of my children. Although, I can speak of happiness, it is the sorrow of my sons’ passing which weighs most heavily on my heart. My blessed child, James Patrick Saul chose to leave this physical existence and transition into the next on July 25, 2009.


No, Jimmy did not take his own life, but the choice was still his. After 23 years on the planet, Jimmy’s soul simply decided that dealing with the painful issues surrounding his illness were too much. He struggled with Epilepsy for many years; his seizures became more and more uncontrollable. He tried various medications, each creating side effects and additional complications. Jimmy’s greatest issue was the embarrassment of, “Not being Normal” which severely affected his self esteem. He tried his best to hide his conditions, even from his closest friends. Sometimes over compensating for, what he thought was a weakness. Every time he’d experience a seizure, he’d make up an elaborate excuse why he was suffering from more bruises, scraps or a bitten tongue.


After the Medical Examiners investigation, I can only assume that after much celebration in honor of his 23rd birthday, alone in his dorm room he suffered a catastrophic ‘Status Epilepticus’ a convulsive (nonstop seizure) which contributes to an estimated 42,000 deaths and thousands more instances of brain damage per year. Faced with the ramifications of this event, his ‘free will’ chose to say goodbye to the struggles he knew in this lifetime.


I am his Mother; I know my tears are for myself, ‘for my pain and my loss’! My ‘Light in a Sea of Darkness,’ is my faith! On a spiritual level, I know my son still lives! Like love itself, the soul never dies!


My precious son lives on in spirit. I can feel his presence, guidance and love. Knowing that love never dies and my son’s soul is eternal is my light in the sea of darkness! I struggle between my spiritual self, who recognizes Jimmy is always with me and the maternal self who lost a child. My grief has been so overwhelming, almost paralyzing at times. As a Mother, I scream, “I want my baby back!” I tried to explain to my grief counselor that my anguish is physical as well as emotional. It almost feels as if my child was ripped from my womb, it feels empty! I feel a great void in my gut, for the child I lost. When he died, Jimmy was a young adult, about to graduate college, but I replay the memories of my son as a toddler running around to catch up to his big brothers with his shoes untied. I imagine his vivid green/blue eyes, his white blonde hair and button nose! “I miss my little boy,” although my faith reassures me he is not really gone.


I can feel him reaching out to me at times, offering me a blanket of comfort and serenity. Since his death, I have been given signs from beyond. I know his desire is to assist, comfort and love all those who miss him so dearly. I not only sense his presence, but smell and feel him near. For my youngest, Katelyn (14 years old) this also brings her hope, and brightens her days of darkness. When a loved one passes, it seems as if a part of you dies, too! As if, life will never be the same. I seem to judge time and events in relationship to my son’s death; B.J.D. and A.J.D. (before Jimmy’s death and after Jimmy’s death). We wrestle to identify a new normal and to redefine our family unit. It is not that we choose to forget or go on without Jimmy, it is more of an acceptance and an understanding that it is now Jimmy’s time to soar, to discover a place of joy and spiritually progress.


What consoles me is the sense of oneness with Jimmy and all that is. My belief that God created the universe and that we will meet again in heaven’s sky. These beliefs allow me to release some of the gripping pain. It has been eight months and I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. What ultimately brings me through to the other side of grief, is my desire to heal. Along with the spiritual understandings of life after death, knowing my sons love for me and having felt his presence; are all beacons that shine through the darkest of times!

This is all I Ask...

This Is All I Ask…  by Dawn Saul

For he's my son Lord, my precious son. This child I bore, whom I adore!

...THIS CANNOT BE

...OH HEAR MY PLEA

...ON BENDED KNEE  

...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE

 Memories frozen in time, without reason or rhyme. I can't let go, I just don't know?

...THIS CANNOT BE

...OH HEAR MY PLEA

...ON BENDED KNEE

...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE...

This can't be real, can we make a deal? Just give him back, this is all I ask!

...THIS CANNOT BE

...OH HEAR MY PLEA

...ON BENDED KNEE

...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE  

 I love him so, with heart and soul. Another day to share, this is my prayer!

...THIS CANNOT BE

...OH HEAR MY PLEA

...ON BENDED KNEE

...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE

Tears fill my eyes, as I realize... I'll hold him tight, no more this night.

...THIS CANNOT BE

...OH HEAR MY PLEA

...ON BENDED KNEE

...PLEASE, I PRAY TO THEE

Please, hear me Lord...  I beg of thee...Please, end my tears this very night! ...This very night!

A Poem for my son, Jimmy ~ 'Forever in My Heart'

                    Forever in My Heart

                                        BY Dawn Saul

We could not have ever known…

 Gods timing to bring you home.

 Angel’s wings to hold you near…

up to Heaven’s sky my dear.

Only Heaven Knows…  How much I miss your strong embrace.

… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.

Our souls hold eternal love…

blessing from Heaven above.

My heart beats with faith and hope …

healing Angels help me cope.

Only Heaven Knows…  How much I miss your strong embrace.

… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.

Trust in God’s promise but though…

His holy plan is not to know.

Someday we will understand…

joined in Heaven… Hand in hand!

Only Heaven Knows…  How much I miss your strong embrace.

… Your smile, your eyes, your loving face! Forever in my Heart.